An absolutely Brilliant Joke, ENJOY!!!
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling
good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies
who have a good sense :)
Love n Life
Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruits.
-- Kahlil Gibran
------------------------- -
Happiness is NOT something you find,
It's something you create.
Nothing is this world is IMPOSSIBLE as
the word is "I M POSSIBLE ..."
do u think the bottles are safe ?
do u think the bottles are safe ?
How to avoid:
Check on the bottom of the bottle there is a triangle sign and there will be a number on it.
If the number is higher than or equal to 5 --> then this bottle is safe to use.
Whatever number under 5 will release the chemical. For most bottle water, the number is 1.
Did you know chemical released by plastic water bottles can cause cancer (It is not the water that affecting you but the chemical releasing from the bottle)
Extreme Talent - good one
Extreme Talent - good one
Junior Software engineer, a senior Software engineer and their Project Manager are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".
So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries."Pfufffff” and he was gone.
Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff” and he was also gone.
The Project Manager calmly said,"I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 2.00pm"
Moral of the story is: Always allow the bosses to speak first
Position vs Performance
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, " Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three ye ars."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Results," ; shrugged Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."
Moral: It's Performance, Not Position that Counts ....!!
Blind Girl And Her Boy Friend
´♥` There was a Blind Gal
´♥` WhO Hate Herself
´♥` cOz Of being Blind.
´♥` she Hate every1
´♥` Except her boy friend..
´♥` 1 day de Gal said
´♥` that if she can
´♥` Only c the wOrld
´♥` she will marry her boyfriend,
´♥` One day sOme1
´♥` dOnated eyes On her
´♥` & then she saw Every thing
´♥`including her boy friend ,
´♥` her boyfriend ask her,
´♥` "nOw that u can c ,
´♥` will u Marry Me?",
´♥` the gal was shOcked when
´♥` she saw her boyfriend
´♥` is alsO Blind,
´♥` & she refuse tO Marry him.
´♥` Her boyfriend walk away
´♥` with little smile & said,
´♥` " just take care Of
´♥` my eyes dear.....
Cow Economics: SOCIALISM COMMUNISM FASCISM NAZISM
You have 2 cows
and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows
the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM:
You have 2 cows
the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM:
You have 2 cows.
The Government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows
the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: (i love this one)
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows
But you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows
None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRISH FARMER:
You have two cows.
You claim government subsidies for eight cows
Unbelievable Story
A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a
Loving couple and the boy was the gem of their eyes. When the boy was
around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle
open.
He was late for office so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep
it in the cupboard. His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot
the matter.
The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle fascinated by
its colour and drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine
meant for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed the mother
hurried him to the hospital, where he died. The mother was stunned. She was
terrified how to face her husband.
When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child
,he looked at his wife and uttered just five words.
QUESTIONS :
1. What were the five words?
2. What is the implication of this story?
Scroll down...
Down.
Down...
ANSWER :
The husband just said " I am with you Darling"
The husband's totally unexpected reaction is a proactive behaviour. The
child is dead. He can never be brought back to life. There is no point
in finding fault with the mother. Besides, if only he had taken time to
keep the bottle away, this would not have happened.
No one is to be blamed. She had also lost her only child. What she
needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband.
That is what he gave her.
If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would
be much fewer problems in the world.
MORAL OF THE STORY
Sometimes we spend time in asking who is responsible or whom to
blame,in the relationship,but by this way we miss out some warmth that is
needed... some things are not merely to blame..Remember always that life is
not that easy to understand as it seems...Never try to apply your logic
to understand every situation...Let life enjoy its own complexity..You
are just a small part of dis whole complic
James Bond And A Telugu Guy
Telugu Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?"
James Bond: "My name is Bond" Continuing in his inimitable style, "......James Bond."
Then Bond asks: "And you?"
Telugu Guy: "My name is Rao...
Siva Rao...
Samba Siva Rao...
Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao..."
Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says "James Bond"
To realize the value
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident...
To! realize
The value of one millisecond:
As k the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics
Time waits for none.
Treasure every moment you have.
Plan For Future
Plan For Future :
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ahmed : I want 2 b a pilot.
James : I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Asif : I want 2 help Deepa.
Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!
Liar:
A man is dying of Cancer.His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom.
Delivered:
Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and panic is when both are pregnant.
The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems. So beware of glance!
Hi Boss
People who do lots of work...
make lots of mistakes
People who do less work...
make less mistakes
People who do no work...
make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted
That's why I spend most of my time
sending e-mails & playing games at work
I need a promotion.
Complicating Obvious Things - Best Awarded Joke
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Someone has stolen our tent".
What it brings out is how we tend to complicate issues and then miss the most obvious things. Too much knowledge is no help
unless we have the wisdom to guide it to an effective conclusion.
Don't DRIVE CAR WITH UR WIFE
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 speed in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65 km."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80 km/p." (The man gave his wife a
dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man
gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The ! man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk
to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."
amazing historical facts of america
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause: Hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind reading
C Program to Propose a girl
#include<STD ISD PCO.h>
#include<love.h>
#define Cute beautiful_lady
main()
{
goto college;
scanf("100%",&a mp;ladies);
if(lady ==Cute)
line++;
while( !reply )
{
printf("I Love U");
scanf("100%",&a mp;reply);
}
if(reply == "GAALI")
main(); /* go back and repeat the process */
else if(reply == "SANDAL ")
exit(1);
else if(reply == "I Love U")
{
lover =Cute ;
love = (heart*)malloc(sizeof(lov er));
}
goto restaurant;
restaurant:{
food++;
smile++;
pay->money = lover->money;
return(college);
}
if(time==2.30)
goto cinema;
cinema:
{
watch++;
if(intermission){
coke++;
Popecorn++;}
}
if(time ==6.00)
goto park;
park:
{
for(time=6.30;time<= 8.30;time+=0.001)
kiss = kiss+1;
}
free(lover);
return(home);
}
This is why India is shining
IT IS NOT A STORY BUT A TRUE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED IN AMERICA.
An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of
security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41.The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"
The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"
Ah, the mind of the Indian...
This is why India is shining
Definition of Kiss
Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.
Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable!
Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
eat the sandwiches
Lady And 2 Men
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
The lady can’t take this any more, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly. “In this country. we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi’ .”
What is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The "President".
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the "Government".
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the "People".
The nanny, we will consider her the "Working Class".
And your baby brother, we will call him the "Future".
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he
gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics
is all about."
The little boy replies, the "President" is screwing the "Working Class", while the "Government" is sound asleep. The "People" are being ignored and the "Future" is in deep shit."
Italian girl!!
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said
"Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!"
Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerously intelligent!